If you don't want to read some, what may be exceptionally irrational, venting, please skip this post and move on to the next one.
As anyone who really knows me can attest, I am quite prone to incomprehensible rants that seem to have no real point. This will likely be one of those. More likely than not, this will sound like a lot of bitching and moaning. As screwed up as it sounds, I only say and type things as they come to mind. At least this way I can put all the shit in the right order.
I am so fucking frustrated right now, I can hardly see straight. I want to pull her close and hold her, and at the same time I want to grab her by the hair and tell her her all the crap that is on my mind.
I know we have our difficulties and differing views on many things. Our nonexistent sex life being one of them. I know sex isn't everything, but it is a big thing. Whether she thinks so or not.
To her, sex (at least with me) is a chore. Along the lines of doing dishes, running errands or cleaning the house. Anything sexual or sensual is just another one of those things she has to do.
We have talked about this many times, and we both have to to the same conclusion : neither of us are fully satisfied with each other in sexual terms. She needs help to be turned on enough to initiate sex. Be it books or a titillating talk with her boyfriend (long story), but I'm supposed to be appreciative of how much he turns her on and sends her to me. He lives four fucking hours away. All three of us know that if he were closer, she would be running off to him. So fuck that.
I have certain kinks that have gone unrequited for many years simply because she isn't in to them. Bondage being the most prominent of those. I have dealt with and satiated that particular desire with less than spectacular self-bondage sessions (I find it hard to get completely satisfied when I have to be able to release myself at a moments notice, which means it really isn't as secure as I would like.) and Internet porn. Watching videos, imagining that I was the one who tied her up, or that I am in that position. Yes, I like being on both sides of the rope.
Now, to be fair, there are a few things that have emerged in our more intimate lives that hadn't existed before. Things that neither of us had ever contemplated before. The more we experience, the more I find myself wanting to be at her feet. Owned and possessed completely. There is no one else that I can see myself giving myself up so freely for... At least for now.
Whiiiich brings me back to the subject of this blog. Mind you, I am leaving out a lot of topics. These are the ones that tend to create the most tension when they do come up.
As we rapidly approach four months, I find myself feeling rather discouraged. She has no direction (we have discussed it, so it isn't an accusatory statement). She doesn't know what it is that she wants out of it.
To be honest I'm not sure if I know quite what it is that I am looking for, but for now, some goal to work toward might be a good start. Maybe a little teasing, or some sort of attention or recognition of my particular circumstance.
And then she does something like last night (been writing this for a little over a day now). She comes home from work, shuts the door, and has me pleasure her. (Exactly the kind of treatment that I have been craving). Mind you, this kind of thing has happened before, but it is so rare and random it's frustrating (in a bad way) and not sexually/mentally frustrating (humbling/humiliatingly) that gears me up so much.
My mind is generally disorganized chaos. To be able to focus one task, even for a few minutes gives me the chance to settle the storms in my head. If I can focus that attention on her, it not only clears my mind, but makes me happy (when she gets off) and her relaxed (when she gets off).
I am finding that I am not so concerned with my own release as much as I once was. As long as she gets hers, I'm happy. Mine used to come just whenever the urge struck me. Most likely because I figured someone should get off....might as well be me.
Added note: This was actually written a couple of weeks ago. I had forgotten that it hadn't been published until just now.
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